THE THINGS THAT MAKE FOR PEACE II. "I Think Ya Done Me Some Good"

"Let us then pursue the things that make for peace and build up the common life." ~ Romans 14:19

Early in my ministry a young man phoned and asked if he could come in and talk to me. We made an appointment for later that day, and he spent about an hour in my office telling me about some things that were on his mind: mistakes he had made and some decisions he had before him. Later that evening he called to thank me and said, “I think ya done me some good!”

I remember this exchange (and those exact words) because it was the first of what has become a repeated experience over the years: I “helped” somebody primarily by sitting and listening. I don’t mean to be disingenuous; I probably contributed some humble skill in the “art of pastoral conversation” (as the title of one of my seminary texts had it), but, mostly, I listened.

And I’ve been on the other side of the desk, so to speak. Once or twice in the office of another professional listener, but more likely over a cup of coffee or glass of wine with a friend. And the load is lifted. (I have come to see this kind of therapy as almost mathematical: You have this weight you’re carrying around, you divide it in half and ask your friend to carry it with you.)

I suppose, dear reader, that this reflection strikes you as stating the obvious (and, indeed, I hope you have experienced this kind of restorative conversation), but it is such a basic item in the kit-bag of human interaction that I include it here as a part of this series: If the burden is heavy, find someone to talk to – either a professional whom you trust or, in the words of the old saying, “that’s what friends are for.”

I am blessed to live in a marriage in which Caryl and I talk to each other about anything and everything. Still, sometimes it seems as though one’s friend might add a needed perspective. And I remember the time when, after a rare “bad day,” Caryl was sharing her troubles with me. As I launched into a knowing reply, she interrupted me and said, “I don’t want you to fix it. I just want you to listen.” Physician, heal thyself.

And here’s another reason to seek out a friend:

I knocked today at my friend's door;
he answered, and I entered;
"I've the best possible reason for coming," I said.
"What's that?" he inquired.
"I've missed you."
I had no other reason.
I just wanted to stand up close,

shoulder to shoulder, heart to heart
with this, my friend.
We found it reason enough.

                        ~ Gerhard Frost

Next post: "The Anxiety Thermostat"

(Footnote: Clinical depression, of course, is another matter. Both as counselor and as friend I will sometimes suggest, “I think you should talk to your doctor.”)

THE THINGS THAT MAKE FOR PEACE

"Let us then pursue the things that make for peace and build up the common life." ~ Romans 14:19

I attended seminary during a time when our classes in pastoral counseling included a heavy emphasis on current psychological theories and therapeutic methods. Hanging out a shingle as a licensed therapist requires additional years of study and practice beyond the eight years of college and seminary, so we seminarians joked among ourselves that we were learning just enough psychology to be dangerous. I’m glad to report that we also learned the value and frequent necessity of referring parishioners to those licensed healers, recognizing the point at which – although one continues to walk with the parishioner as pastor – a more studied  knowledge of mental health and the healing of relationships is called for.

So, as is necessary in all callings and occupations, I know the limits of my training and abilities. However, as I look back over thirty-five years of ministry, I have discovered that some of those “Counseling 101” methods and techniques have actually been helpful and have stood me in good stead as I’ve sought – certainly imperfectly – to apply the communication arts as a husband, father, pastor, and friend.

In a series of posts to this web journal, I’m going to reflect on a number of these methods. (This is not just an academic exercise for me. I think these really work in everyday life, and I’m happy to endorse them.)

I. CAN WE TALK?

“If you are having a personal conflict with someone, and you go directly to that person and talk it out, it will never make the situation any worse, and it will probably make it better.”

I’ve put that sentence in quotes because it is exactly the way in which one of my mentors stated it to a group of young seminarians and college students. You might want to read it again. I think I have remembered it verbatim because I’ve applied it often through the years, and have always found it to be true.

True, yes, but not easy. It never really gets any easier to approach someone with, “I wonder if we could talk about what has happened between us…” (or some variation on that request). But the only thing harder than having an honest conversation about a problem in a relationship is not having the conversation.  Although I don’t want to give the impression that my life is peppered with these difficult occasions, I have found nine-and-a-half times out of ten that I have come away from such a session with a lighter heart and an easier mind – and a healed relationship. (The content of such conversations is, in part, what the rest of this series will be about.)

As with all of the tips in this series, this one assumes a basic level of mental health at work in both parties. As St. Paul advises, “If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” (Romans 12:18). Sometimes it may not be possible. But, “so far as it depends on you,” I recommend heartily this direct approach to reconciliation.

Next Post: “Ya Done Me Some Good!”